*----------*

I was seated quietly at the corner most area of the front row. It was a dark and cloudy Friday morning. I stared blankly to the crying sky, I had to get away from the crowd. All the ruckus my classmates make is intolerable. The classroom door opened. One, two, three… as expected, you gave your usual loud hello to the class. I could see your movements, I could feel you breathe, I have already taken by heart all your daily routines. Like Romeo and Juliet, and all the other Renaissance period plays, you were a script that I have memorized and learned by heart. My role in this play had long been over… and so I thought.

And then you came. Like a bee to a flower, but I am no flower for I have lost my grandeur. Yet you came closer and closer until you’re already an inch away from me. And I heard it, among all of the girls in the room, you always come to me first. But this time it was different, something in your voice made time stop. I looked outside and the rain ceased to exist. I felt my heart skipped a beat. For the very first time, I felt afraid. I turned to look at you, I was frightened but I looked. You were smiling at me, and it was not the ordinary smile you always have with you. Was I imagining things? I managed to smile back and tried to hit you again with the Anatomy book that I have. It was a routine. We always did those kind of stupid things, so it wasn’t really surprising when you caught my arm before it could reach you. But it hurts, something really hurts within me, it felt like I’m being consumed by the monster inside me. Suddenly, everything went hazy, my head feels like it’s going to burst anytime. There was a vision. It was blurry
but one of them was me. It was me when I was sixteen, I still had that tattoo on my navel, it was raining, and I was crying. Then it stopped. I fainted. I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was your face, you looked worried yet glad. You helped me stood up as I looked around thinking that everything seemed normal. Questions filled my mind, but this was the most prominent, Why am I having these flashbacks now? Why not last year or next year? Why now of all time? Why now when I’m going to turn eighteen? I asked myself these questions over and over while I sat down and stared at the sky again.

*----------*

I set aside all my worries for a while. The vision, the sky, the clock, the rain, and my heart, I threw them all aside. I had to study. Yes I was a bit selfish. I didn’t want anything or anyone to distract me while I’m studying. I wanted to stay focused, but your smile refrains me from doing that. I was thinking of you more and more. I spaced out. I felt a heavy thud on my back, it was you again, giving me that same smile you had a while ago. You were asking me why I’m always spacing out, and as usual I gave you the same answer, “No reason”. You smiled ignoring my answer and sat next to me. I was studying and you were talking with your friends. It was a little annoying but it’s alright, and I don’t know why. This feeling, it’s definitely not love. I’ve only known your for a few months, we’re not even that close yet. We only got together because of our similarities. I sighed, I smiled, and I continued reading while listening to your voice.

It was dismissal time, I wouldn’t have noticed it if not for the school bell. I realized that there were only four of us in the room, the couple at the back and the two of us. They were waiting for you to wake. You were sleeping soundly so they decided to leave you behind. What’s their reason? Because I always stay at least an hour after class, they knew that you wouldn’t be a problem because you had me watching you, I’m the only able person in the whole school that can handle you. You were still sleeping right next to me while I waved goodbye to the two. Something was odd, you were not snoring, in fact you were not sleeping at all. Your eyes were opened staring at the table. And what’s this? A tear? I thought maybe you dreamt of something or someone. But why, why is it flowing like a river? Why are tears gushing out of your eye? I couldn’t do anything, I just watched you cry while I tried to hold back my own tears. I continued reading. I felt your hand grasping my arm, reaching for my hand. You were indeed crying, I felt my heart break by simply looking at your helpless condition. I couldn’t do anything. I just listened, I stared, and finally you spoke. You said, “It hurts, it hurts so much.” What are you talking about? What hurts? “I gave everything for her, and yet, she disregards all the things I did. But still I couldn’t lift a finger at her. I can’t seem to get angry at her. But it hurts, the way she makes me feel unwanted.” I see, so that’s how it is. That’s what my vision meant. The other one, the person in my reflection was you. You also suffer the pain that I had once felt. I continued to listen, I was your ‘sister’ at school, I listened to you the most. I was there when you got dumped by my best friend, I was there when you ran away from home, I was the one giving you all the advices. But it never came to me that you are undergoing the torture I had. I embraced you while trying to hide my own tears. Listening to every word you’re saying, listening to your heart.

Don’t worry, I’m here, you don’t have to be afraid anymore. I hate the rain, whenever you cry I feel like a storm’s coming, trust me and I’ll do everything to make the rain hesitate to fall, just like what you did to me. Your mere existence makes the rain stop falling. I’ll listen, you don’t have to speak, I hear your heart. But you have to fight this weakness you have. I’ll stay with you until the rain stops.

Epilogue

Now, you’re fighting a battle, a battle between your heart and yourself. Like I promised, I’ll stay with you until the rain stops. Eventually, I have already fallen for you, but you’ll
never know it. I’ll never let you know. Even if it’s killing me, I won’t admit it. Not until you’re heart fuses with yourself. It will only be then will I admit it, it may be too late. But I know you’ll be able to manage it. We’re no longer children, we’re both eighteen, we’re matured enough to know what’s right and what’s wrong. We will only need someone who can stand beside us all the time, supporting us, loving us, and caring for us. How I wish I could be that person for you, but it seems your eyes are set on someone else. I’ll be here, waiting for that sound. That will be the sign. But now, I’ll just let my heart bleed and look away. If only I have met you before him, then things maybe a little bit different.